Saturday, December 25, 2010
Follow me. Accept me. Prove to me that I am loved. Tweet me. Friend request me. Become my fan and adore all that is me. Why should I be followed? Why would any person besides myself want to read the words I have written? They don't mean the same to you that they do to me, so why would you care to see what I see? I am alone in my mind, begging for attention; yet I am embarrassed once my name is mentioned. I am unworthy of any praise so why does my selfish ego thirst for them to say my name? Read me like a novel, promise not to tell a soul. For the things you will find are harsh and quite cold. There is pain and love. Lust and addiction. There are secrets my very subconscious dare not mention. There is a place deep inside I sometimes wallow. I am willing to let you in if you promise to never go. Follow me. Accept me. Prove to me that I am real. Tweet me. Friend request me. Show me what it means to feel.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
We are a web. Immaculately tangled. Intertwined and of the strongest material. My heart is your own and our souls alike. we beat the same rhythm. We are one in the same. Stare into my eyes and see your own they are floating in an ocean of me. My vision of this love is lucid yet tenuous. Will it ever make sense that my thirst for you is endless? I am compelled to need you as I am to breathe and without you I am a fish out of water. A human lost at sea. Looking into your eyes, I find myself lost in that looming space. There is a truth behind them that I can not explain. It sends goose flesh across my skin. Is needing you this much somehow a sin? My husband. My warrior. My strength and smile. My boulder in a sea of pebbles. My very best friend and glorious man. We are a web woven tight so heavily intertwined that no master of anything could sort our vines.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Spin me in your unforgiving web; I am yours.
I am losing it. Every day I lose it a little bit more, but you know what the real problem is? They who discovered “it” never told us exactly what “it” is. So now here I am 22 years old and losing something that I have yet to discover. Is the “it” my beauty? My desire to strive? My sagacity? My mind? How does one lose their mind? I guess when you have to much time to think. To much time to be in there, swimming around in thoughts that have no tactical conclusion. To much time to reflect on what isn’t. what could have been. And who precisely you are. I know who I am. Well because the society I live in has given me a name. a wife, a Christian, a lover, a black girl, a singer, an author A, A, A, A , a something that is everything but me. A word given me by people I will never know and accepted by my actions than contradicted by my uninhibited mind. I think I would like to come up with a new designation for myself. Not one that my parents have given me or my peers. Not a category that so I willingly place myself in. I want to be the “it” that I am losing. I want to be the “it” that I find. I am not losing me and I am not trying to find my lost mind because I am me and me is the it that I will find.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Like you've never dared before.
Never try and erase feelings. They are there for a specific reason, just try for a better understanding of their presence. Sometimes you have to dig deeper than you thought you were.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"When the inevitable comes your way. Do not stray look It in the eyes with no compromise and dare not allow your heart to dismay."
My world feels different without you. It isn't quite grey it isn't so blue. Its more filled with shadows and wide open spaces lots of long nights and unfamiliar faces. All my clothes look dull, I have no one to show off to, and my hair is ugly no matter what I do. The water taste different and the sun isn't so bright. The moon is my get away but, only at night. The stairs seem longer every time I go up and the hallway its darker without you. When will you return, my love? I need you more and more. Please float back to me, we can glide together like birds of a feather and dream our sorrows away. We can sleep on air and live on love . Live a tall tale that began with us. We can go wherever we choose as long as you have I as long as I have you.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
This is the feeling of me
There is the way my heart beats
I met you again, my heart not in my hand
You had it all along
I wished for the best, never hoped for the rest
We stood the test of time better than many
It was not a race not a competition of fate
We did this on our own.
I wanted to give up, couldn’t make it over the hump
But the blood flowing through my veins was compelled to need you
Never ending oaks is how my love grows
We grew together intertwining our souls
We are a mesh, woven tight.
I murmur words my mind doesn’t recognize
You know exactly what I intend
My heart pumps slowly
Breathe on my skin
We are one, I can feel it within.
Look into my eyes and feel me once again
You are my way to light.
My conception of you is nebulous but clear
It doesn’t make sense but I know that you hear
Reach into your mind and pull me out
I am soft and enchanted with you
Need me the way I lust for you
My mind evaporates for I cannot have you the way
I am constrained too.
I wanna be free.
Travel and see.
Live without regrets.
In my dream I ran further than I knew where I was going. And in this dream I met a man and loved him without ever knowing. He closed his eyes and they were my own as we began to dream, and peered at the woman who was not me that I have always strived to be. Young and famous loved and divine, never afraid to test her all-powerful mind. And in that dream she found a girl sleeping silently then in her dream she held a mirror and in the reflection was me.
There is this feeling in my gut and it wont go away. I try hard to suppress it, but this feelings here to stay. Its no ones fault but my own. I am the one who let it grow and no body knows. I dont let it show. Its the price of beauty. Its the other side of fame it keeps me accepted, It drives me insane. It makes him love me, but he doesn't know it. it makes me hate me, but I cant show it. This sickness seeps through my veins like poison, a drug, a gambling game. It has me captivated. I am driven again. I can go no longer like it is not there. Just one last time is an empty promise I often make. Because I know deep inside, it will never go away. It is every second bite, or a glance in the mirror, it is every perfect body or craving and fears. It is me. I am the me who looks in the mirror. Disgusted and angry. Sad and ashamed. My feet lead to a thrown that always, always waits. Eyes watering, hands dont shake, stomach un-upset; she knows her fate. Quietly let it out and feel nothing but tears they are warm and without warning, soldiers rushing to the field. It is a duty while being done and every drop counts. My mind is not racing its frozen for now. Walk away feeling low with no suspicion on my face. I am tired and hungry maybe I can sleep it all away.
"Smile. Greatly. Show all your teeth and think not if someone notices what you had for lunch. Give like you have not one selfish bone in your body. Live; fill each day with the most life you can fit. Be free. Live with no sorrow. Climb the unthinkable and defy the ever-judgmental views of our society. Think not of demands but only what your heart can give. Be your own legend and never, ever forget. Kindness is free and it starts with a smile; so please without a hint of doubt, smile. Smile greatly."
"Put on a false smile to walk the mile, and the world will applaud you, but be true to the you that dares to be different and there you will find hidden in rhyme, the true greats of our time."-Me
These lines in my skin represent my sin and though there are many I still call myself a christian. How many are to many? And who decides whether I am worthy of redemption? I am dark and gifted with an unencumbered mind, locked in my skull, floating in time. I age and reminisce on yesterday, but when I think of tomorrow all optimism flows away. I am whomever I choose. A bum or a lover a thief or a muse, and if you read my sentences backwards they will mean nothing at all. Just words upon words no feeling involved. I want to be the best that I could have ever been, but I cant beat the rest if I don't know where to begin. So today I guess ill start with a word on a page. A little food for my thought a bit of kerosene for my flame.
There is no beginning no end. Not a circle more like the wind. He is all that I can think about although I pretend not to give in. he has become the everything I wake to see each and every day. I need him more than the ocean thirst’s for every grain of salt on this earth, I love him more than mere words or even my eyes could ever tell. He is my rock. He is all that I breathe. Everything I know, All that I need. I am captivated in his presence and in lust with his silence, the prints of his hands forever embrace mine. He is my love beyond all loves this earth or even one person could ever fathom. To write a thousand more words would give no justice to the grip he has on my heart. my sanity, my existence. Can’t say more. No word. Neither one definition, nor any action could describe my love for he, I love only.
"I am as original as I strive to be, but am I really different if I practice me?"
" If you want to be a judge, go get a degree. Until then gather your stones and throw them at your own mirror, mirror on the wall."
"Live! he said. Then Live again. Live like today is yesterdays best friend. Like you know the outcome, but still feel the rush. Like a 20 year old compliment that still makes you blush. Live! he said. Then live again. Because today is not tomorrows only friend."-Me
I am you, and you are me. Together as one forever we will be. Remember me not our hearts are bind. Kill my body, surrender my mind. My soul would wander centuries for you. Our hearts will never beat separately as two. For I am you and you are me. Together for eternities forever we shall be.